Cruel Britannia: Daily Mail Britain

In response to The Daily Mail’s “Prime Minister Corbyn… and the 1,000 days that destroyed Britain,” Jacob Whitehead kicks off his new satirical column with a look at the first 1,000 days of The Daily Mail’s Britain.

Daily Mail Britain

The knives are out: the election of Jeremy Corbyn definitely spells the end of human civilisation as we know it. (Photo: The Sunday Times)

Filibuster has been rebranded – new website; new faces; new columns – hopefully more successful than the XFM/Radio X rebrand. But if you want to consider me as your weekly dose of Chris Moyles, that’s fine. As part of this I’m pleased to bring you a new weekly column: The Satiric Verses, which is (you’ll never guess it) satirical. Quick disclaimer: any fatwas should be placed on the Editors.

One of the best pieces of satire I’ve seen in recent months was about Jeremy Corbyn. Or at least I thought it was satire.

Entitled “Prime Minister Corbyn… and the 1,000 days that destroyed Britain,” it has a number of highlights. Within days of Corbyn sweeping to power in 2020, with Owen Jones playing a critical role as chief of staff, he removed the Bank of England’s independence, renaming it the “People’s Bank.” The degradation of property prices due to high taxation led to “Corbyn solving the immigration crisis in an instant, as Britain was now a country no sane immigrant would ever go near.” It ends with reports of food rationing, rioting and international peacekeepers as Corbyn is forced to abdicate, and Boris Johnson is elected prime minister. So for my first article I thought I’d have some fun. Is anyone else up for reading about the first 1,000 days if The Daily Mail ran Britain?

The Conservatives are low on money and belief after a few torrid years in government. Daily protests and marches by Corbyn’s vigilante vegetarians have inspired the young and frustrated the old. Donations to another Greek bailout have bankrupted the country, leading to a need for funds… The Daily Mail steps in, bankrolling the nation in return for a few favours. The Conservatives are renamed the Daily Mail Party (the DMP), a free copy is posted through every door, paid for by government money, and Paul Dacre becomes prime minister.

Daily Mail Britain

Meet your new PM, Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre! (Photo: The Guardian)

Week 1: The initial changes are sweeping. Immigration measures are immediately tightened, with armed police going door-to-door looking for illegal migrants. The BBC is taken off air, with its ideology being described as “leftie mumbo jumbo” by new Culture Secretary Katie Hopkins. Tax breaks create an influx of the rich and powerful to the capital, leading economic theorists to warn against rising house prices.

Week 10: After George Osborne is removed as Chancellor of the Exchequer, Mumsnet make a bid to be appointed in his place with any policy to be voted on by its members. Women applaud any decision as “democracy in action.” Their first budget announces tax cuts for the rich and maternity leave increased to a decade.

Week 20:  Homelessness is reported to be up in London by 15% since the DMP gained power, leading to an increased reliance on food banks. George Osborne’s plans for a northern powerhouse are scrapped, with Mumsnet instead voting to subsidise children’s school uniform prices.

Week 35: The Guardian suddenly ceases production. Editor Katharine Viner next surfaces living with Edward Snowden in a Moscow airport.

Week 50: The DMP celebrate almost a year in power by reintroducing the death penalty and the list of punishments for which capital punishment can be given is extended. The first victim of these new laws is Stacey Lawson, a single-mother from Basingstoke, accused of disability fraud. Her decapitated head is placed on a stake above the White Cliffs of Dover as a warning.

Week 75: Fights regularly occur outside food banks as the starving masses battle for the last morsel. This leads to the DMP banning them on public safety grounds. Emergency aid is sent by the Scottish Parliament to the homeless. All media except The Daily Mail is banned, although a splinter group led by Owen Jones goes underground.

Week 80: Owen Jones publicly executed after being caught by a sting operation at the Cereal Café, Shoreditch.

Week 100: The Neighbourhood Watch is granted powers equal to the police, and is given the right to shoot “undesirables.” This includes migrants and the homeless, although socialists are not added to the list despite a late push from the right-wing of the party.

Week 125: A spate of executions and civil unrest leads to UN sanctions on the UK. An EU referendum is cancelled due to the UK being ejected. The lack of any media means any party but the DMP lose support, and in the 2020 elections the DMP win 400 of the available seats. The only credible opposition which emerge are the Green Party, whose grassroots activism, led by Brian May, means they are not affected by the media blackout. A march on London is planned.

Week 150: The Green March happens. Hordes of disaffected youths charge Fleet Street, which has replaced the Houses of Parliament as the seat of British power. They are met by an armed Neighbourhood Watch militia. The army are unable to intervene as they are duty-bound to protect the borders. Angela Merkel decides to break up the fighting. Her forces manage to seize control of London over 70 years later than first intended, and end the fighting.

Week 156: Exactly three years after the DMP took over, the UK is formally integrated as an EU protectorate. It now has the same status as Kosovo.

Ridiculous, right? It seems strange that some parts of the press consider this “news.” But then again, we’ve seen how they tore in to Ed Miliband with The Sun going for works of genius such as, “This is the pig’s ear Ed made of a helpless sarnie. In 48 hours, he could be doing the same to Britain.”

The new kind of politics, the politics of fear, is here to stay.

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